March 16, 2004
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Ok, I've been rather busy, so I haven't posted much recently, only small things I've come across while lying in bed with my computer at arms reach. So I apologise to those who were looking for something interesting to read. Anyway, on to what I have to say... mostly from freedomize on Sunday.
2 Peter 1:3
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
What the fuck? Everything we need? I don't know about you, but this strikes me as something odd. I've been talking about it for weeks in this blog, I don't have what I need. Hell, I don't even know what I need.
So, what is this supposed to mean? Dave, whom I'm loving more and more every time he preaches, seems to propose that it runs on the fly, if you will. I don't get shit until I actually need it, and even then it's really sketchy approaching. I want to return to God, plainly, but I don't practically know how; God will give me what I need. Even if the first step of things is trusting that he will give me what I need, he will give me this when I need it. Hell, even if the first thing I need is a removal of the fear that keeps me form letting God have me trust in him for giving me what I need, he will give me this when it's needed.
Ok, so, this is all well and good, but what do I do? It seems the more God shows me, the more I start thinking that this is all just a waiting game. It can't be though, and that’s certainly not what Dave was proposing. Trust him? I can't unless he gives it to me. Rend my hear? How? I can't: not unless it's a gift of God.
So in this end I'm stuck like a Calvinist, with no choice or action. I wait for God, wishing he would tell me something to do, some clear cut exercise that would be a quick fix, but there is none. I have nothing. No ability, or regenerative capacity.
Hell, maybe I am a Calvinist. Though the futility of all this seems instinctively false. Do you have an answer?
Comments (2)
i was going to write something, but i certainly don't have all the answers.. and if i type it out, then i'll leave out something and sound like i'm being the preachy whining me... but if you ever want to talk about it... i've been through this crashing pretty hard a couple years ago... wondering similar stuff...
although i don't have an answer (goin through the same thing almost), i just wanted to say thanks for sharing.. we're in this together, friend, and no matter how long it takes to wait it out, the end will eventually come. i'm thinking of a verse... that i wanted to put here... but... i can't find it at the moment, so i will come back later when i come across it.
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