September 19, 2005

  • A broken man read me a list yesterday. A list of why we would fail.
    Reasons why I might one day sit, broken, and read some other man a
    list. He said everything he could to make me turn away. He was
    desperate. It was the end of the line, and it was killing him.

    But when he said what he could, and he asked me, in that broken voice,
    barely above a whisper, why I would be with her knowing all of these
    things: my answer seemed clear, and simple.

    “Because I’ve fallen in love with her, and I won’t trade that good, for
    some good less tangable, less understood, and less discovered.”

    All the potential for pain, all the involved risk: it doesn’t matter.
    There was nothing he could say that would stop me from returning to
    her. What we have is good. Really good.

    And my apology to all those who might disagree is this: would you have done something different if you were in my shoes?

Comments (4)

  • So... Is this an analogy, or are you in loooove? In Luuuuuve.

  • This comment was from Brian, and I deleted it, but changed my mind.

    I have been thinking since I became aware of this whole thing whether I had the right to talk to you about it. Although we have been friends and roomates, you have never really been one to ask of my advice...and so I was hesitant to step in and tell you how to live your life. But if you publicly ask for others feedback, I will respond.

    You ask, that if I would have done something different if I was in your shoes. That is hard, because in the heat of a relationship no one truly believes that anyone else has really ever felt what they now feel. But if you come and talk to me I will tell you that I have been where you are. Not once, but three time. Long before I met my current fiance, I fell in love. The first time was full of the headiness and confusion of adolescence. The object of my affection consumed my dreams and thoughts, and when we touched I felt as if my universe would explode. When my lover left me I felt so hurt, lost and betrayed that suicide seemed the only option. My own conversion experience centered around a very painful choice: whether to try to pursue this love again, or let it go and look for something better. It took everything I had in me to do the latter....it was my own blind leap of faith. Now I look back and see how empty, how small and how twisted this supposed love was. When I see my lover at highschool reunions and other such events there is rememberence of the fire, but mostly there is awkwardness and ashes.

    I next fell in love after graduating college. Her name was Emma, and she was light, and laughter and beauty. This love grew slowly and took me completely by surprise. I certainly did not expect to fall for her, or her for me. She was full of life, beautiful both inside and out and had a heart so great and beautiful. She also wasnt a Christian. We agonized over what to do for weeks, I thought perhaps I could convert her...but I knew such a conversion would always be suspect. I even came to a point where I thought that it didnt matter and I wanted to be with her anyways, but she would not let me, because she loved me, and knew that to compromise my values would destroy me, and she could not be part of that. So we parted ways, though remained friends. Eventually she married someone who resembled me in many many ways, but did not share my faith. I knew true envy as I looked at him and knew in my bones that that could have been me. I walked away with much sadness, but the peace of knowign I had done the right thing.

    The third time I feel in love was shortly before I came to Tyndale. All I can say is when love was professed to me, I felt like my whole universe had been wrenched off its course. I remember looking into those liquid blue eyes and seeing the promise of everything I had ever dreamed of. This is a person who loved me for who I was, fat, balding and all. This was a person who was not interested in cheap sex, but wanted a life bond. A person who would love me, care for me and grow old with me. One of the most honest, gentle and beautiful people I have ever met. And when the profession of love was over I made like Josesph and ran. I ran because what he offered was so tempting to me that I could not trust myself to stay and look at it a minute longer for fear I would reach out and take it. But I knew then I had a terrible choice to make between the life God had called me to, and what every cell, every fiber of my being told me to do. It wouldnt be until later that the full cost of what I had done sank in...just what I had given up. But I knew inside me that it was the right thing..the only true thing I could do.

    I am sorry if this has been long and sounds overwrought. But this is me. These are my stories and I tell you they were as true and deep to me as this relationship is with you. You ask if we loved the way you love now, could we honestly walk away? I look you in the eye and I say yes. Yes, that is exactly what I have done, and what I would do now in this relationship.

    Falling in love is easy. It is beyond your control and is simple a complex mix of hormones, attractions, and emotions woven together so tight you can't pick them apart. But there is a world of difference between falling in love, and truly loving someone. The problem is it is as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall in love with someone. But love, true love is not so fleeting or ephermal. When you fall in love it is that powerful force that makes you want to be with that person, where their looks captivate you and there is such fire when you are together. It often causes people to get married. But then once they are married the fire dies and your wife is not so captivating at 3am when pregnant and swelling like a sea cow. But love is what stays the course when the currents of attraction grow less, or pull in other directions. Love is choosing to stay true when emotion isnt always there. Love is what keeps you at your wifes side when she has a stroke and spends the next 25 years barely capable of moving, talking, or even eating. Belive me it is not because that person is attractive to you.

    Aron, this is the oldest lie in the book, that falling in love and LOVE are the same thing. You are a better philospher and christian than to believe that the emotions involved in falling in love truly justify things. You know enough that the Christian understanding of Love, as laid out in 1 Cor 13 and other places in the bible has nothing to do with emotions at all. It is judged by its character and its actions. Love is patient, love does not delight in evil, love seeks the best for the other, not the self. It is pure, and honours boundaries, and looks to the long term instead of what feels good now. It finds Christ in its center, and drives both partners to grow in Him.

    I won't go into all the specifics here about why I believe that this relationship is not living up to all those things. If you want to know, you can ask me and I will tell you. I also think that if you are honest you already know it.

    You have choices to make. You will do what you wish, and I will continue to be your friend whatever you choose. Those choices will have repercussions on you, on her, and on all of your friends. No matter what you do someone will get hurt. But please do not use the fact that you have fallen in love as a defence, as if you have no choice. We always have a choice. And falling in love is the weakest of excuses. Every single day as I work as a youth pastor I see what happens when men decided to leave their wife and families because they have fallen in love with someone else. I see the pain and destruction wrought by thier choices and see them claim they are innocent because they have fallen in love. You understand this, and if you don't then talk to your friend because he surely does.

    In each of my stories I had fallen in love. The second time my partner walked away from me because she loved me. And the third time I walked away because I loved.

    So once again. You ask if in your shoes I could walk away.

    I say yes.

    This is me again.

    I am not a child, and Kat believes in God, and I can reassure you she is not a man. I understand that my feelings, in and of themselves, are not a justification for wrong-doing. But I do not believe what I am doing now is wrong, and so you see the difference.

    What I feel is not some useless feeling, existing only to complicate lives that could have remained sane. It is from God, and a good part of humanity. Like anything else, it can be, and often is, misused. But it is good, by nature. It is a thing that motivates and facilitates the development of deeper love. It is love, but love has more then one form.

    As for 1 Cor 13: this is speaking of the highest form of love. The love which God himself personifies. This is love that, in perfection, we would have for all people, as God has it for all people. And every other form of love we experience, from the fast, to the deep, to the brotherly, in some way stands in the shadow of God's love, and tries to emulate it. So you are wrong to say that what I feel is not what is in 1 Cor 13. For patience, kindness, a lack of envy, boasting, and pride; not being rude, or self-seeking, or easily angered, and not recording wrongs; not rejoicing in evil; protecting, hoping, and persevering: these are things that are inspired in me for her sake.

    Your right about one thing, it's not by hard effort, but from emotion that I love. However, emotion is not some horrid thing, which serves nothing but evil. It can, and I believe is designed to, help us develop and enforce the deeper, and harder tasks, sometimes without the help of emotion.

    I hope I have not been to offensive, because I really would like people to be ok with all of this: but know that I stick to what I’ve said, and am not persuaded.

  • -

  • Just to clarify. I was not telling my story because I think there is direct correlation between your and mine. You are quite correct in saying that Kat is not a guy, nor is she a non christian. But that wasnt the point. The point is sometimes something that feels right to every part of yourself can be wrong, and in that case you have to walk away. You asked if I was in your shoes could I walk away. All of that was a way for me to say yes.

    As for the specifics of why I think this relationship is wrong...once again I point to the statement I made in the first post...if you want to know, you can talk to me. I don't think this is the place to air it. If you don't think my opinion has value, or have already made up your mind to the point that others can't sway you, then you do not have to seek it out. I have stated before that what you choose to do in this relationship will not make me stop being your friend and I reaffirm it here. Should you not seek it out I will not say anything more on the matter.

    Brian

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