February 16, 2004
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What is the difference between a Christian and a non-Christian?
All I can see is that we’re forgiven for the shit we do. I am not morally superior in any way… as a matter of fact, I’m probably morally insuperior. Why am I not my former self? More motivation, higher consequences, not because I’m a more moral person.
I’m convinced my unsaved sister is a better person then I. It is only the thought of what she would think that held me back. You see, I went with her to a bar after dinner on thanksgiving. I’m had two pints already, but with a meal, so I wasn’t feeling much, though I could tell I shouldn’t push much harder… I then split a pitcher with her boyfriend, and another… which I finished somewhat reluctantly. Ha, I was only reluctant because I knew I had had to much, and I knew I was her and her boyfriends example of a changed person. So, we went back to her place. Again, you know what the only reason I wasn’t hitting that bong was? What she would think of me (and God, or Christians I suppose).
Motivation, that’s all it came down to. I had more. I wanted so badly to let go. I wanted so badly to finish that pitcher myself when half was left and everyone was cutting themselves off. I wanted so badly to get stoned. So badly.
It really just makes me angry at myself. I though I had gotten past this, I though I had grown. But, I suppose I just ran away from it, not to mature past it, but to take away the opportunity. I hate it, I hate being so weak. I don’t want to be “the weaker brother.” I want to be the one who’s been through shit, who knows how it goes, who can offer advice to people who struggle. I don’t want to have to deal with this.
And I also know that part of me hates it even more because I love it so much. Part of me hopes desperately to find some sort of justification, so I can do it again. Part of me dies to say “only drunkenness that leads to debauchery is wrong,” and “Jesus turned water into wine, so it must be ok to get drunk,” or even, “weed is illegal, sure, but so is speeding and downloading music, what’s the difference?” All weak, and wrong.
Shit… next time I go out with anyone who reads this… stop me at one fucking pint. A little always feels like more.
Comments (3)
aron, i admire your courage and your honesty. i was going to write you a long reply to this, but i erased it. and instead, i'm just going to tell you that i love you, and as your sister in Christ, i want to encourage you that, although it is a struggle, it's never a hopeless one. keep your focus. this entry itself shows that you're being convicted and are responding to God.. and that's always a step in the right direction.
if i were 19, i'd help ya out with the whole one pint thing, but... haha..
i'm sure everyone understands though, and it shouldn't be a problem.
..you comin to breakfast?
aron...it is sometimes hard...to know what its like...to not care, or not have to care...and pretend that we don't know what its like. we know what it is like to be perma-stoned, or never really experiencing the sober stage of drunkiness...but as missina said you are being convicted about it. i don't know what to say, i was feeling it last week (even wrote a xanga entry about it) because we in our flesh are weak...and when we entertain our fleshly desires is when there seems to be no hope, and Satan preys on that. try and keep focussing on Him and use the strenght that he offers. you are amazing!
Your brokeness and vulnerability on my screen was very appreciated. It's rare.
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