February 18, 2004

• I wish I wasn't so lazy. And I'm not talking about a physical laziness... I mean something that has to do with fear and effort in life and relationships. I want the answer, not the process. I want God to fix me, not fuck me up some more so that I will learn something in some unforeseeable future. He doesn't work like that though, and I know this. He will fuck me up some more. I know he will. Let me be damned if it's not for some sort of good, but I can't see that. I cannot see what good will come. I'm not even guaranteed that I ever will.

  It's frustrating. Especially when I face a conflict in my will, and I know both options will lead to some kind of pain. The worst part is, when it comes to something like this, I always end up with apathy. And I know this is a bad idea, God's given me ample reason to believe this. But, I still never know what to do. Who am I kidding. Even when I do know what to do, I end up being apathetic because I don't like it.

  I'm just to lazy. Spiritually and relationally. I'm afraid of consequence and cost. And all this does is make me apathetic.

  • 3:53 am
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