What do you think of the new look?

I went to a show tonight: saves the day. It was good, I liked it. It's the first real show I've ever been to I think. I suppose that's why I went, I hadn't even heard of saves the day before I was being asked if I wanted to come to their show.

I'm realising more and more that I'm actually quite a violent person. Believe it or not, tonight I was wishing someone would give me an excuse to fight them. And though there was some pushing and whatnot in the crowd... it seemed a sorry consolation. It mainly just fed my appetite for conflict.

I wasn't always like this. Back in the day I would only fight were it absolutely necessary. There is no chance I would let my fist fly over honour, the concept seemed foolish to me. Back then I would only fight if I was facing a loss of significant monetary value: mostly drugs. I think fighting for honour is just an excuse sometimes though. A justification of sorts for doing something that is just satisfying by itself, but needs a justification.

I mentioned yesterday (On Missina's Xanga) that I would fight if someone called Missina a bitch. I think that would fit into the category of fighting for honour, though it wouldn't be mine I was fighting for. I think I just might do it though. The real question is: would I be properly justified? Is something like this enough? Am I just searching for a reason to fight? I don’t know… I guess will say it's worthy, for argument's sake, mainly because it stands as a real motivation, and I'm not really sure how to judge justification.

So, I think the cause is good, but if I were to be rational about this, is fighting actually best? Haha, I'm sure they would learn their lesson. Never do it again. There would be drawbacks though. Chances are, I would make an enemy. hmm, well, I would dislike this guy a whole lot anyway simply for what he said, so scratch that one. This person might press some sort of charges I guess. I suppose I see this as unlikely, because it would kill any honour they have. But even if they did, is that a good reason for me not to do it? I can think quite easily of a time when my passion was high enough for me to fight, and I didn't care then. It seems that this should be a matter of principle. Fearing minor consequence like this seems to be, well, pussing out.

Well, I've just written a ton of excuses for my doubts. Someone tell me I'm wrong, please.

I haven't said anything in hear for a while, mainly because my computer was all bunked due to my forgetting the charger at home. Anyway, I've had this topic on my mind for a few days, so here goes.

I take a certain amount of joy in offending people. Especially when I do it in a respectful manner, as not to actually be doing something they can blame me for. For example, this fucking journal. I mean, why the fuck would someone read this shit if they don't want to, it's their fucking choice. Heh, see I've probably already offended some. Well, I guess I don't really know who reads this, so maybe not. Either way, you get the point. Another example would be something like the way I act, the music I listen to, or the games I play. I will never hide magic or D&D from someone who thinks it offensive.

Why? I suppose I enjoyed it before I rationalized it, so this may sound like a cop-out, but I think it's valid. You see, my Christian walk was basically torn down and rebuilt when I was challenged to think about what I am doing. This, in many ways, has since made me value the questioning. It's sort of like a blissful ignorance verses a sometimes painful knowledge of reality. Check out Apathys_Opposite, he knows of this. Well, this is the result I perceive. If I give my friend the finger, or say fuck in this journal, people may want to judge me. Heh, well, they will have to use judgement for that, or at least I would hope. Am I actually sinning when I tell you to fuck off? I clearly don't believe so. If you do believe so, well, we have something to discuss. The person judging me will hopefully check out whether what their judging is truly wrong.

I don't have the fools hope to suggest that most people will actually do what I hope... but over time. I think it takes time, it did for me. I found that people I respected could do these thing that I had assumed to be immoral. I had to question: is it? I slowly moved from unfair judgment, questioning weather people were actually saved or not, to doing the things I would question the salvation of others for. I suppose this is the hope I have for the people who would judge me.

So there you have it. If this fucking obnoxious statement about the shit you refuse to deal with because of your own ignorance bothers you. Try and understand it.

---

What to do
What to do about truth
What to do when you know it’s absolute
What to do
What to do about truth
Do you run away, oh tell me, what do you do

And out of the dark,
And into the light,
Comes and angle with the good news.
Why do you hesitate?
Why do you run away?
Won’t someone tell me what to do?

-Phil Snowdon