A while ago I changed the title of my blog to "Surpassing Feanor". I was thinking today: I'm probably the only person I know who will understand that title. As apt as I think it might be, what is the point if it's only apt to me? After all, this is a public site. So, I think I will simply explain what it means rather then trying to think of something else.

Feanor is a character from The Silmarillion (a sort of prequel to LOTR, for those who are unaware). What he does in the book, specifically, is not all that important, except for these few points. His name means "Spirit of Fire". He was a great warrior, motivated by great emotional strife. This led him to do some foolish things, and consequently, his whole family was cursed.

In Plato's republic, Plato creates what he calls a 'city in speech'. It's the ideal city. This city is made partly as an analogy for the soul. There are 3 classes in this city: the Producers, the Guardians, and the Philosopher Rulers. This is analogous with 3 parts of the soul: the Appetite, the Spirit, and Reason.

In this city, there is one specific way for the Philosopher rulers to come up. They must first be guardians, and when they show a certain capacity for philosophy, they are trained in it, and if they are good enough, they can become a philosopher ruler.

I put Feanor in the guardian class, and associate him with the spirit. I want to surpass him. To truly become a philosopher, to not be ruled by emotion, but let reason rule. To have m reason rise out of my spirit, and rule my soul.

Should I drop out of Tyndale?

I thought I had it all figured out. I though leaving this place was the best thing to do. I mean, I'm going to get further and further in dept if I stay, with no career opportunity at the end of the tunnel. OSAP cut my funding for this year, so I can't really afford to be here even now, never mind years to come. My Dad makes to much money to get a decent amount from the government without lying on my application, but my Dad has his own dept to worry about. If I took a semester off, I could pay the excess off my OSAP and get a fresh load: going to cheaper school for less time. At a collage taking web development I would have a career almost guaranteed in something that I certainly do enjoy, or at least I did when I was in high school.

Why do I question this all, you ask? Philosophy is my passion. I love it. Even the thought of not having fresh ideas to mill over in my spare time saddens me. Not only this, but God told me to come here when I did, and I felt like he wanted me to stay on taking philosophy after that. I now feel nothing. I can't help but think maybe God would have me stay. The practical aside, my call to this place hasn¡¦t been annulled. I only wish I knew what my goal was, or even how I am supposed to afford it.

But then, maybe I'm cracked. I got thinking about this in preparation for a lecture from my father I'm going to receive this weekend when I go home. He was really proud of my when I decided to come here, especially following a call from God. Part of me thinks he's trying the vicarious living thing on for size. I really don't want him to be disappointed in me, I really don't. Not that I would base this decision on that fact, only I wonder if it's influencing me without my knowing. I know he thinks God wants me to stay here.

How do I decide what God wants from me? It was so easy when I was younger. I could just pray for a while, and then say: well, that's it, God wants this. I just can't do that anymore. Call it lack of faith, call it being rational, call it whatever you want: I just can't do that anymore. I can't put faith in the voice in my mind. But it seems I never took the time to figure out an alternate means of getting specific things from God.

I know that God is still God, and will use me wherever I go. It's not like I can screw up a plan of God's by whatever foolish thing I do. I would just rather do what he has called me to, if I still have a calling. I just don't know anymore.

My mind is all over the place, I'm sure this post it hardly coherent in its form, but I guess that¡¦s how it goes.

My life is filled with change right now: some of it is good, some of it is questionable, some of it I intended, some I did not. And I have nothing profound to conclude from it’s existence.

By the time the movie started, I was already convinced. All my objections had been answered. My long discussions from the pro-choice vantage had been reinforced by a man with a doctorate in logic. There was no visible holes left in my thought. I was pro-life, officially.