February 25, 2004

  • I think I may have gotten it this time, or at very least I'm close. You see, the way I operate has been changing steadily over the past while. When I first became a Christian, I did whatever felt right. Whatever I though seemed godly, is what I did. I would build my philosophy around what I experienced. As I've matured, I've realised that that is an easy way to make mistakes. This road has led me down a path of switching the spots of experience and philosophy. So that I find philosophy, and then make my experience match it. The problem I've been having with this, however, is that I can't figure everything out. I end up not having a philosophy, or having only part of what I need to meet the standard, and messing something up.


    On paper, my new way of operating is better, except for what it seems to have done to my relationship with God. You see, it has gotten messed up. I won't go into the details of how right here, but suffice to say, it has. In trying to come back to Him, I've had a philosophical, and, by extension very practical problem. I don't have the ability to do the things God demands of Christians. I cannot bring myself to pray on a regular basis. I cannot bring myself to study the bible enough. I cannot bring myself to treat people the way I know I should be.


    Now, I know that God calls, not those who are good, but those who he can make good. It's not especially odd that I'm not perfect like this. But all I can do about it is tell God that I cannot seem to do anything, however I try. I ask him to help me. Hell, I ask him to take over, to do whatever it takes. I just want to be close to Him like I was.


    My new advancement. I need to rely on Him for things. Ok, I know, not the climax it could be. I sounds frighteningly like a Sunday School answer, and I'm tempted to dislike it for that. But I must give it a fair go, mainly because I think it is what God wants. What am I here for? To glorify God. Doing shit by my own power isn't going to accomplish that one. Hmm, the explanation is more, but is escaping my articulation for the moment.


    Dear reader, after so many small steps, this small one - from wanting God to help me, to actually relying on him for help - almost seems incidental to me. I can almost feel the flow of apathy as my thoughts on this become less and less clear. I'm so frugal. It's just that I don't know how to do this, though I can see why I must.


    What can I rely on him for? Money? I don't need it. Grades? I'm slipping by fine, and would be doing well if I actually put some real effort in. Relationships? Maybe, but it's so blurry, I don't know exactly what to rely on him for...


    This is my new problem. If you have an answer, let me know.

Comments (3)

  • first things first then... rely on Him for an answer.

    It may be a cop-out comment on my part, but it's true. Relying on God doesn't have to be a situational case by case scenario. I think the whole point of relying on God is to show that we rely on Him with everything, not worrying about anything. 

    I didn't comment on your last post, because I really had nothing to say. But that may be a place to start. Rely on Him for the strength to deal with your emotions in healthy ways. It's not a sin to feel angry or whatever, but how you deal with it is what truly shows where your character is at.

    You're growing, Aron. Even through writing this post, you're growing. You're thinking; you're striving; and you're wanting to do right in the eyes of God. That's admirable. :)

  • i love you, pooky!

    -the phantom WAAAAAAHHHHH

    I'm....just being honest
    (alrightalrightalrightalrightalrightalright)

  • Now what's cooler than bein cool? (Ice cold!)

    haha.. good times...

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