February 25, 2004

  • For some reason I feel really angry tonight. It took all my self control not to fucking kill Jamie, and she didn't really even do anything.


    Damn it! It drives me nuts when I don't understand my own emotions. It's like a force outside of myself that I just have to live with. I try and normalize, but it only works outwardly. Inside, I move from joy and hope, to anger and hate, and right back again. Always knowing the irrational nature of these feelings, but never being able to truly control them. As must as I do try, they show outwardly. What I know I should do, is always effected by this other force. Internal, unnameable. I've called it emotion, but I don't even think that’s quite apt, really. It changes all the time.


    I always try and understand it, try and figure out: why this, why now. I think anger is the hardest. When I feel so vicious that I want to destroy the emotions of someone I know I can easily destroy. It frightens me, and I don't do it. But I felt it none-the-less, and can never stop everything.