I have trouble writing public posts. I write something and then always
have some reason why it shouldn't be public. Sometimes I know I won't
feel what I'm communicating in my post in a few hours, and that I don't
want people thinking I do. Sometimes I'm worried that people will think
differently of me if I let out my emotions when are not wholly
rational. Sometimes what I write is based on such a wholly subjective
reality that I know for a fact no one but me will understand it.

I haven't always had this problem. I used to feel free to post whatever
depressed blather came to my mind without worrying about it. I'm not
sure why there was a change. I don't really like it, and I'm going to
try and stop. So, I shall tell you now: what I post is only what I feel
at the time I'm writing it, and not the constant state of my
mind. It might seem sort of unbalanced because I write more when I'm
melancholic or upset. Oh well.

I think I might even go back and make some private things public.

Sometimes I wish my life was more like a romantic comedy. Where I could
solve all my problems with a fantastically romantic speech. Believe me, I
could come up with a fantastically romantic speech. Some things would
have to change though. First of all, two and a half weeks is to long
for us to be apart. No, the audience wouldn't believe everyone was
sincere if it went on for that long. It could be a week, tops. Rob's
character would have to change, too. Firstly, he would have to be an
asshole. Though perhaps I've felt like that particular word would
describe his actions from time to time, objectively speaking, Rob is no
asshole. That would change. Secondly, he would have to do at least one
thing so irrevocably villainous as to firmly establish our roles; the
audience couldn't be allowed to sympathise. Now, I could think of ways
to do that, if we painted them in the right light. I mean, he did put
two months of solid effort into breaking me and Kat up in the first
place. And though I'm sure he felt justified in doing it, if we're
telling the story from my perspective, we could easily make that count.
Night after night, despite her resolution that she loved me, and that I
was better for her, he would call and say things to make her cry, say
things to try and break us up. And of course she let him do it, because
she felt bad for hurting him in the first place. It's ironic really:
"it's bad to hurt people, so I should let him hurt me".

But it's important that we stay on topic, because this movie could go
two ways. Of course you all see, I could be the villain. Two months is
just that much worst for a movie then two weeks, because of course, two
months is long enough for her to be quite serious with the new guy. I'm
leaving the point again, it's far to easy for me to get distracted. If
we paint me in a bad light, show me seducing and stealing the
girlfriend of a noble man. Show all those nights I was sympathetic
while Kat cried about Rob, but show them as me subtly planting
anti-Rob sentiments. Keeping them apart. I'm afraid, in the end, Rob
would have to punch me out. You see, his romantic speech would have to
be him rescuing her form me. I can see it like this: he is supposed to
meet her for coffee one Thursday night in October, but I convince her
not to go. She's feeling quite confident that she doesn't want to be
with Rob at that moment, despite the fact that she was having doubts
the night before, so she stays with me. But Rob, upon being left to
wait at a coffee shop, gets in his car, and charges over to her
basement apartment, where me and her are settling down to watch a
movie. He bursts in the door dramatically, perhaps breaking something,
and I step between him and her. He gives me one look, and punches me in
the face. I, being an antagonist, can't fight, so that's all he needs
to do. That's when he gives his romantic speech. 'love you forever,
unconditional, some shit about glasses, and all that. I'm sure he would
even say she was sinning if
she didn't come back to him. It would be excess though, because then
they would live happily ever after, and she would never think about me
again. The tattoo would be lasered and covered with a big picture of his
face.

P.S. For the record, I didn't steal Kat from Rob. I walked out of the
store and didn't realise she was still in my jacket pocket. He broke
the fucking windows on me.

So today I was thinking about one very specific person, and how I feel
about him. I honestly don't hold a grudge. The best analogy I can think
of is soldiers in a war. It's true that we are here to kill each other,
but it's not personal; we both just want our respective sides to win,
because obviously each of us thinks his side is right. We're two men
who are at odds with each other, though under different circumstances we
could have been good friends. I could easily see myself doing all that
he's done, if our positions were changed.

I don't know if he feels the same way about me. I hope he does, though
I don't expect him to. Personally, I only feel this way in my most
level-headed of moments, and it's easy to slip into anger. I guess I'm
like a soldier again: angry with my enemy just because he's my enemy.

I guess it doesn't matter much in the end anyway.