"Even now," declares the LORD , Ok, well, I was going to post this as soon as I got back from freedomise tonight, but the crew form Florida got back, so there was some chilling to be done. But I’m at it now, and hopefully I can remember what I was going to write. Oh, and to understand where I’m coming from here, you should read my post from Feb 25th. I’m going to try and set this up some for those who weren’t there, so if you were then bare with me. What happens in the book of Joel is this: God’s people screw up, and they won’t turn back to God, even when he sends people to tell them. Well, eventually, God has had enough. He sends locusts, and these bad boys wipe out everything, wheat, grapes olives, the whole thing. Joel then comes along and tells them all that this is from God, and that the people must turn back to him. In 1:9, is says: Grain offerings and drink offerings What’s interesting here is that this is the means that the people have for returning to God, sacrifices. God not only cut off their food, but he cut off their normal means of returning to him. This is how I’ve felt for a while. Like I want to return to God, but I don’t know how. My ability to do so seems to have been taken away from me. The things I would do before aren’t any good. I pray, and maybe it help for a time, but only a day, tops. I spend some time in the bible, but it is only a temporary fix. Nothing really seemed to fix my relationship with God. So, then I write what I did on the 25th. I somehow needed to rely on God to get this done, simply because I couldn’t do it. Joel 2:13 Rend my heart. The point of it all is not my doing something. Not praying more, not reading the bible more, not treating people better, not giving away all my money and devoting my life to serving peasants in third world countries, nothing. What I need to do, and hopefully will do, is simply make myself available. This mainly includes getting rid of the fear I have of what he might try, the things he might want to change. But I’ve had enough now, I don’t care. Or at least that what I’ll tell myself. I need God to get even that far. Joel 2:14 So a happy ending? Who knows? But God my just give me some of these things back in time. The grain and drink offerings which are good, but should be secondary, and not some sort of drudgery that I try and slave over. So, there it is. Pray for me that this works.
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."
- Joel 2:12
are cut off from the house of the Lord.
The priests are in mourning,
those who minister before the Lord.
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
Who knows? He may turn and have pity
and leave behind a blessing-
grain offerings and drink offerings
for the LORD your God.
Month: February 2004
-
-
Ok, everyone else mentioned The Passion of The Christ in their xanga's, so I figure I'll tell you all how I feel about it. Firstly, I loved it. It was definitely a good movie. One of my favourite scenes is when Jesus is carrying the cross, and he stumbles (he does this many times) and Mary gets close enough to him to speak. She kisses his tortured figure, tears streaming down her face. He looks up at her, obviously in an incredible amount of pain, and all he can say is "I will make all things new." The hope and motive Jesus was expressing there, during a very painful exercise was excellent. I almost cried, and I've never cried in a movie before.
Adversely, however, I do have some complaints. Close to the end, when the sky becomes dark, the ground starts to shake, and according to the biblical account, it is time for the curtain in the temple to be split in two. They have the whole temple splitting, and there is no curtain in the shot. I've always loved the symbolism of that event in the bible. What Jesus did on the cross gave all people the ability to enter into the presence of God. The ripping of the curtain is a destroying of the barrier between the place where everyone could go, and the place where only a high priest could go. The movie changed that all together. Several times in the movie, and mentioned with emphases, was the fact that Jesus was going to destroy the temple and rebuild it again in 3 days. He said it himself, and the Pharisees used it to mock him when he was on the cross. The idea is that Jesus is the presence of God on earth, and that he would be destroyed and rebuilt. the movie seemed to be making that statement a very literal one, trying to overextend an analogy that just wasn't in the bible.
Other then that, I wasn't sure all the violence was realistic. I mean, this is probably the most violent movie I've ever seen. I understand, and I think it's fairly plain in the movie, that the pain is used to show the spiritual battle that was going on behind the scenes. However, in reality I think if someone was hit repeatedly with that weapon in the stomach, and it did anything near what it did to his back, his stomach would be spilt all over the floor. He would have died during the torture. No doubt it was a bad torture session, I read many things that tell me so, but I think Gibson went a little overboard here. The only other thing was the repetitive nature of the cross carrying scenes. Jesus falling over and over took up more of the movie then all the rather compacted events that played out at the beginning of the movie. I, again, understand that the purpose is to show more pain, and this is to show more passion, and more evil, but I think we get the idea after the whipping scene. It seems to take away from how the story is told, and the way the movie flows, mainly because they wanted to show more pain.
Anyway, despite how I might be coming across here, I loved the movie. Go see it if you haven't.
-
I think I may have gotten it this time, or at very least I'm close. You see, the way I operate has been changing steadily over the past while. When I first became a Christian, I did whatever felt right. Whatever I though seemed godly, is what I did. I would build my philosophy around what I experienced. As I've matured, I've realised that that is an easy way to make mistakes. This road has led me down a path of switching the spots of experience and philosophy. So that I find philosophy, and then make my experience match it. The problem I've been having with this, however, is that I can't figure everything out. I end up not having a philosophy, or having only part of what I need to meet the standard, and messing something up.
On paper, my new way of operating is better, except for what it seems to have done to my relationship with God. You see, it has gotten messed up. I won't go into the details of how right here, but suffice to say, it has. In trying to come back to Him, I've had a philosophical, and, by extension very practical problem. I don't have the ability to do the things God demands of Christians. I cannot bring myself to pray on a regular basis. I cannot bring myself to study the bible enough. I cannot bring myself to treat people the way I know I should be.
Now, I know that God calls, not those who are good, but those who he can make good. It's not especially odd that I'm not perfect like this. But all I can do about it is tell God that I cannot seem to do anything, however I try. I ask him to help me. Hell, I ask him to take over, to do whatever it takes. I just want to be close to Him like I was.
My new advancement. I need to rely on Him for things. Ok, I know, not the climax it could be. I sounds frighteningly like a Sunday School answer, and I'm tempted to dislike it for that. But I must give it a fair go, mainly because I think it is what God wants. What am I here for? To glorify God. Doing shit by my own power isn't going to accomplish that one. Hmm, the explanation is more, but is escaping my articulation for the moment.
Dear reader, after so many small steps, this small one - from wanting God to help me, to actually relying on him for help - almost seems incidental to me. I can almost feel the flow of apathy as my thoughts on this become less and less clear. I'm so frugal. It's just that I don't know how to do this, though I can see why I must.
What can I rely on him for? Money? I don't need it. Grades? I'm slipping by fine, and would be doing well if I actually put some real effort in. Relationships? Maybe, but it's so blurry, I don't know exactly what to rely on him for...
This is my new problem. If you have an answer, let me know.
-
For some reason I feel really angry tonight. It took all my self control not to fucking kill Jamie, and she didn't really even do anything.
Damn it! It drives me nuts when I don't understand my own emotions. It's like a force outside of myself that I just have to live with. I try and normalize, but it only works outwardly. Inside, I move from joy and hope, to anger and hate, and right back again. Always knowing the irrational nature of these feelings, but never being able to truly control them. As must as I do try, they show outwardly. What I know I should do, is always effected by this other force. Internal, unnameable. I've called it emotion, but I don't even think that’s quite apt, really. It changes all the time.
I always try and understand it, try and figure out: why this, why now. I think anger is the hardest. When I feel so vicious that I want to destroy the emotions of someone I know I can easily destroy. It frightens me, and I don't do it. But I felt it none-the-less, and can never stop everything.
- 6:06 am
- Comments Off
-
I've been playing a lot of The Legend of Zelda: a Link to the Past. I'm at the second dungeon in the dark world, it's a great game.
Anyway, spent the night in the kat. Ya, that’s right, on monday! I have it on good authority that it's all good. And anyway, the only one here to see was that rat of a janitor, whom I'm sure thought we were all nuts by the time the night was out. Haha, Missina, you should post some of those pics when you get them.
Anyway, hello to all those who are off in the world. Have a good time for the rest of your break.
-
I haven't written anything in a while, so I figured I should. Went to Josh's last night. That was cool. I love getting out of this building. I mean, at Josh's we did the same things we would have done in the kat at school, movies, cards, talking. Well, except sleeping, but I only did that for a very small amount of time. Anyway, it's just a lot better outside of here. I don't even think it's the school itself, because at night the place is different, it's not as subculture cliché as it is in the day. I think it's just change, a different atmosphere. Well, either that, having a party other then sausage, if you know what I mean. Though, the kat was indeed open the whole time we were at Josh's.
Well, I don’t really have anything else to say. Nothing dark, nothing profound. Oh well.
-
I wish I wasn't so lazy. And I'm not talking about a physical laziness... I mean something that has to do with fear and effort in life and relationships. I want the answer, not the process. I want God to fix me, not fuck me up some more so that I will learn something in some unforeseeable future. He doesn't work like that though, and I know this. He will fuck me up some more. I know he will. Let me be damned if it's not for some sort of good, but I can't see that. I cannot see what good will come. I'm not even guaranteed that I ever will.
It's frustrating. Especially when I face a conflict in my will, and I know both options will lead to some kind of pain. The worst part is, when it comes to something like this, I always end up with apathy. And I know this is a bad idea, God's given me ample reason to believe this. But, I still never know what to do. Who am I kidding. Even when I do know what to do, I end up being apathetic because I don't like it.
I'm just to lazy. Spiritually and relationally. I'm afraid of consequence and cost. And all this does is make me apathetic.
-
What is the difference between a Christian and a non-Christian?
All I can see is that we’re forgiven for the shit we do. I am not morally superior in any way… as a matter of fact, I’m probably morally insuperior. Why am I not my former self? More motivation, higher consequences, not because I’m a more moral person.
I’m convinced my unsaved sister is a better person then I. It is only the thought of what she would think that held me back. You see, I went with her to a bar after dinner on thanksgiving. I’m had two pints already, but with a meal, so I wasn’t feeling much, though I could tell I shouldn’t push much harder… I then split a pitcher with her boyfriend, and another… which I finished somewhat reluctantly. Ha, I was only reluctant because I knew I had had to much, and I knew I was her and her boyfriends example of a changed person. So, we went back to her place. Again, you know what the only reason I wasn’t hitting that bong was? What she would think of me (and God, or Christians I suppose).
Motivation, that’s all it came down to. I had more. I wanted so badly to let go. I wanted so badly to finish that pitcher myself when half was left and everyone was cutting themselves off. I wanted so badly to get stoned. So badly.
It really just makes me angry at myself. I though I had gotten past this, I though I had grown. But, I suppose I just ran away from it, not to mature past it, but to take away the opportunity. I hate it, I hate being so weak. I don’t want to be “the weaker brother.” I want to be the one who’s been through shit, who knows how it goes, who can offer advice to people who struggle. I don’t want to have to deal with this.
And I also know that part of me hates it even more because I love it so much. Part of me hopes desperately to find some sort of justification, so I can do it again. Part of me dies to say “only drunkenness that leads to debauchery is wrong,” and “Jesus turned water into wine, so it must be ok to get drunk,” or even, “weed is illegal, sure, but so is speeding and downloading music, what’s the difference?” All weak, and wrong.
Shit… next time I go out with anyone who reads this… stop me at one fucking pint. A little always feels like more.
Recent Comments